Describe the most confident person you know. What can you share about this person that others can learn?
I used to be very insecure but I climbed my way out of it, here's the full story.
This is part 5 of 5 of a series called, “Insourcing Self Worth.”
In case you missed it, here’s part 1, 2, 3, and 4.
Next week, I start a new 4 part series called, “You Can.”
tl;dr
I used to be very insecure but I climbed my way out of it. It was a 2-3 year journey but I remember exactly how I learned those perspectives and I'm happy to share the story.
My story isn't so much about the tactics you can use to act confident, it's an all encompassing strategy that can help you become confident.
When I was in high school, I was the short introverted Asian guy that couldn't hold eye contact with anyone I was having a conversation with, couldn't talk to girls unless we were already friends, and the last thing I wanted to do was to talk to a stranger.
I hated talking about myself because I didn't really like myself. I didn't know my strengths, I didn't think I had a "reason" to be confident or be proud of my accomplishments.
I had a tough but well-intentioned Asian father that had a very firm idea of what success looked like. I didn't live up to his standards and he never hesitated to inform me. I remember being constantly plagued by feelings of worthlessness (and was suicidal at one point) because my dad valued academic success over anything else -- even if I was good at something that wasn't academic, it would always go unrecognized.
That was who I was in ~2007.
Over the years I had some life-changing perspectives and I have to say, I didn't try to learn how to be confident per se, but I learned a few other things that all helped contribute to being able to walk in confidence.
1.) Who am I?
The first and most important thing I learned was "Identity," in other words, how do I define myself? Or to dig deeper, where do I derive my worth from?
I remember being honest with my self while processing through this and I realized, I defined myself by how other people saw me. People told me I was an athlete, people told me I was a band geek, so I figured, that's who I was.
The problem was, my parents told me otherwise. I was "not good enough" -- my sister was a UCLA student and my brother was a UCSD student that became a software engineer. Well, I guess that's who I was too, "not good enough."
I was trying to reconcile all of this and I realized a fundamental problem. Why am I allowing different people to define who I am? Why am I trying to fit into the mold of what friends, family, teachers, society, movies, or culture tell me I should fit into? And to make it worse, each of those molds were different! I had to be 'like this' to someone, and then 'like that' to someone else.
But I wanted to understand why. I realized for myself, "I want to fit in because it makes me feel like I belong, like I'm important, like I'm accepted for who I am -- if I ever get there..."
I realized that I pursued others' praises because I felt like I would finally feel like I was worth something in someone's eyes. Nobody wants to be a "nobody." I wanted to at least be somebody. Was that too much to ask?
Of all places, I got this issue resolved as I was listening to a sermon from a pastor. I remember the moment like it was yesterday. He said:
"God accepts you for who you are right now. He loves you, as you are. There is nothing more you can do to earn more of his approval. There is nothing less you can do to lose it. You are accepted. Right now. He loves you, as you are."
It hit me like a brick.
I had to think about it for about an hour.
"Wait.. right now. I can do nothing... and I'm accepted for who I am? I don't need to 'perform' more? Are you serious? You mean. Right now... nothing more, and I'm accepted?"
It seemed too good to be true, but something in me knew this was true and it was the sound of freedom.
This is was the turning point.
See, our insecurity comes from things we aren't. We feel like our image, our name, our reputation, how others might perceive us, and how we might fall short of someone else's expectations. We fear being exposed for our weakness -- the imperfect lives we lead and the hundreds of mistakes we've made.
But when I heard what I heard that night, all my insecurity crumbled. It didn't matter anymore. The past became irrelevant! I'm already accepted -- I'm not looking for approval anymore! Not from my parents, not from friends, not from society, nobody! I was freed from the world's expectations and the need to impress.
When I realized God accepted me for who I was, I learned to accept myself for who I was. I stopped looking for the affirmations and praises from people and was finally empowered to have that peace of mind that I don't have to strive for approval anymore. I was freed from the opinion of others and from the fear of what others thought.
The next day at school, I had the biggest smile... I noticed something, my mind was completely quiet. My mind was previously consumed with:
What do I look like?
Do I look stupid?
What do those girls over there think of me?
Gotta be cool. Gotta look the best, be the best.
I hope no one sees my weaknesses.
I hope no one finds me out.
I hope no once can see past this facade.
Is anyone else depressed?
My life sucks.
Does anyone care about me?
I just want to get through this day.
Just don't do anything stupid, just don't look like a fool, just don't embarrass yourself…
And now, it was quiet. I didn't care about what other people thought anymore, it didn't matter anymore! I could just... be myself.
And then... I just started noticing other people. I started becoming curious about how others were feeling and thinking, not for myself, but for them. My questions became, "Who are you? You matter. I see you. Tell me about yourself."
2.) Intentions
I started talking to kids I had never met before at school after that life-changing night. During lunch, I found myself wandering around the campus and started befriending the kids that were eating by themselves. I started befriending the quietest kids in my classes, joked around with them and I’d see the quietest guys who I'd never noticed before become guys I'd give a shout-out to everyday that I saw them.
I realized that having the best intentions gave me confidence to approach anybody. This is relevant to networking, public speaking, working with clients, and even friendships.
When I was struggling with those insecurities, I would only approach people for personal gain. I was constantly comparing and I there was only one agenda -- me. But that doesn't fly well with other people. We all have experience with that one friend that only calls/texts/emails you because they need something from you. They are only in your life to take something and you can see it coming a mile away.
But I found the opposite to be true.
Those few people in our life that are only there to help us, build us, encourage us... We are happy to see them, we are re-energized by their presence, and we are grateful for them.
I became that guy.
I wasn't trying to be that guy, but I became that guy as a result of getting free from my baggage of insecurity.
That's why I'm happy to convey my intentions to add value, to contribute, to be helpful whether I'm speaking, networking, working with clients, and with all my friends -- because people like that. Knowing this gives me confidence to freely approach people without second guessing myself. I'm not there to take, take, take; expect, demand, and be entitled. I'm there to give, give, give.
3.) Growth Mindset
The last factor is that I don't fret about my past or past mistakes because they are no longer the basis of which I see myself or my future. I am not trapped by my past, I am not doomed to repeat my own history.
Take a child for example, when they first learn how to ride their bike and fall a couple times, they don't think, "I'm a terrible kid, I'm a failure, I don't know if I should try again, this is discouraging, this is so embarrassing!" And even if they thought like that, good parents would lovingly encourage them to try again on the basis that, "they can." They would counter the child's self-talk with something to the effect of, "You aren't a failure, you're learning and you're growing! Just try again, you'll keep getting better. You can do it! We believe in you, we love you!" and you can see mom and dad smiling ear to ear, knowing that their child is going to succeed.
For some reason, this kind of encouragement becomes non-existent when we grow up. When we make a career/relationship/life mistake we think, "oh my god, I'm a failure, I'm not good for anything. I'm hopeless. I'm depressed, I'm not good for anything... life sucks!"
We tie our actions to our identity (I'm a failure vs. I failed; I'm depressed vs I feel depressed) and so we allow circumstances to define who we are and who we think we'll become instead of seeing ourselves with infinite potential to grow, learn, change, and mature. Just like how most of us would encourage a child saying, "you can grow up to BE anyone/anything," hoping that they don't get tripped up by small, trivial failures that fall short of their true potential.
When you learn to be childlike again in this way, every failure is just like falling off your bike the first time you learn to ride it -- you should be excited to reassess, get encouraged, correct the mistake, and try again because you'll make it there if you are persistent. And the bigger reason? You are so much more than your mistakes -- don't get tripped up over them.
And ever since I learned to think like that, I no longer have any big fears and negativity is illogical to me. All past failures are now distinct opportunities to learn and grow, all future failures will help me grow even more.
It's even more encouraging when James Altucher says that it only takes 5 years to reinvent yourself (The Ultimate Cheat Sheet to Reinvent Yourself) or James Altucher's answer to I am in my late 20s and feel I have wasted a lot of time. Is it too late? or Marcus Geduld's answer to What do you do if you're 24 and have wasted a lot of time? How do you overcome the regret?
I can learn and master anything in 5 years if I put in the time. That gives me the confidence to try things, immerse myself and learn. I'm comfortable failing and failing often, because I know how to take the time to learn from those failures. I've become comfortable with the uncomfortableness of being a novice and learning something completely new. I am not concerned about looking stupid, I am not worried about screwing up -- this is expected whenever you learn ANYTHING.
These principles have impacted every aspect of my life. From career, starting a business, relationships of every kind, taking risks, public speaking, trying new things and learning new things.
I am confident in my confidence and I know it. Remember, I grew into this. I started out as a short, introverted, insecure, Asian guy. I am still short and introverted. But I am not insecure anymore. I changed, and so can anyone else.
These principles taught me to be confident even when I had no external reasons to be confident. I learned this when I "had nothing going for me." I no outward success or real-world skill at the time that I could point to and say, "This accomplishment is why I am confident." It was all an internal shift. I was in high school and college at the time, just a nobody, on paper. I didn't have a need to prove my confidence, I didn't have a need to prove I was something -- I already knew I was. And that has made all the difference.
I've had the privilege to travel the world and have taught/mentored many people into this perspective... and I hope this changes your life!
:)
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