How do you bullet-proof your self-esteem?
Focus on what you can control!
This is part 3 of 5 of a series called, “Insourcing Self Worth.”
In case you missed it, here’s part 1 and 2.
The way you bulletproof your self esteem is to root it in something that is fully in your control rather than something that is subject to the opinion of others.
When I was in high school I derived my self esteem from the praise and recognition I got (or didn't get) from my parents, siblings, friends, teachers, acquaintances, and coaches, etc.
Everything was fine and dandy when I was able to live up to something that merited their praise, but it also meant that my world collapsed when I couldn't deliver and let them down.
It wasn't always as simple as an "on" and "off" system either -- I remember even if my coaches, friends, and acquaintances praised and respected me, but my parents were disappointed, I still had a negative self image.
Actually, it was bad enough at one point that I felt like it was better if I didn't exist than to feel like a disappointment because I let down my parents yet again.
This system of deriving self worth/esteem from the praise and approval from other people is unsustainable.
What works much better is to root it in something that is fully in your control like your capacity to grow or holding your personal integrity.
Now, I no longer compare myself by metrics, awards, accolades, or affirmation from others. I compare myself against myself from a year ago. As long as I've made progress, I'm proud. Since I started thinking like this, I've had an unshakable positive self image because I've become a voracious learner and I grow leaps and bounds every year.
It doesn't matter whether I'm broke or rich, known or unknown, a master or a novice, the center of attention or drifting in the background. I am secure in myself because I'm a little older and wiser than I was a year ago, not because people give me a stamp of approval.
I don't need anyone's acknowledgement to feel whole, I don't need to brag about what I have or haven't done in order to feel better about myself, and I don't feel the need to "put my best foot forward" in order to impress anyone. It's not that I don't see some value in it, it's that I don't live and die by it.
I've learned to not need praise, so I've bulletproofed myself from falling apart when I don't have it.
I've heard it said:
If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms.
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