How can I stop hating myself and start increasing my self-worth?
I used to hate myself and was suicidal.
This is part 1 of 5 of a series called, “Insourcing Self Worth.”
I used to be suicidal when I was a teenager. Actually it was right around when I was 13-14.
I constantly came home to find myself being yelled at by my dad because I didn't have good enough grades.
After all, my dad didn't come this far from a poor farming family in Hong Kong, be the first to go to college, get married, move to the US, land a steady engineering job in the Silicon Valley and raise 3 kids just so that I could not get straight-A's.
I remember constantly feeling like my strengths and personal interests weren't acknowledged --only my faults and shortcomings were pointed out.
As a teenager, I still looked up to my dad, so it was that much more painful to hear the constant words of discouragement, disappointment, and disapproval.
Needless to say, I was at a point where I felt like I truly amounted to nothing. I didn't feel like I was valued or important to anyone. I felt I had done nothing of significance to justify my existence.
Fortunately, I didn't have the balls to kill myself... I didn't have money either. I ended up running away one night to an older friend that I would consider a mentor/counselor, but she called my parents and sent me home. Dang it!
That night didn't really change anything, and I struggled with purposelessness and worthlessness for the next 3 years.
The problem was that I was getting my sense of worth from the opinion of others. On one hand, I took criticism as an attack on my identity and on the other, I was desperately looking for praise to fulfill my sense of worth.
My sense of worth as constantly teetering back and forth, swinging on the balance of the affirmation and criticism of others.
This kind of thinking is a double edged sword because even if everyone praises you for your accomplishments and accolades, the moment you don't have the praise, you feel worthless again.
One moment, you feel on top of the world, and the next you could be at the bottom of the barrel.
With one audience, you could be considered a 'god among men', and in the next moment, be a nobody.
They are two sides of the same coin, and it's a tiring way to think.
What changed for me was when I heard some sound advice from a mentor, I decided to start accepting myself for who I was -- in the moment -- without any further proof to anyone else or myself.
I decided to no longer derive my sense of worth from people giving me their stamp of approval and decided to believe that I was important because I existed, not because someone else 'deemed' it so.
Why should I give other people the power to say whether I am significant or not?
I exist.
I beat 100,000,000 other sperm to that egg.
That's right. I won.
I'm alive, and that's enough.
I'm worth something, and I don't need to wait for you to agree with me for me to believe that.
And the truth is, you are too, should you choose to believe it. You are NOT worthless. You exist.
You do not need to "increase" your self-worth. You need to redefine where you derive your worth.
If you can get this, you'll no longer waiver back and forth feeling shaken by the opinions of others and you'll be able to be confident, look people in the eye and comfortable in your own shoes.
Life is easier if you live from this place of self-acceptance instead of constantly striving to look for approval from others.
If this helped, feel free to check out some of my other answers on confidence, insecurity, and worth:
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Thanks for writing and sharing your story. Some parts totally resonated like the passage below.
> The problem was that I was getting my sense of worth from the opinion of others. On one hand, I took criticism as an attack on my identity and on the other, I was desperately looking for praise to fulfill my sense of worth.