What is it like to be an introvert who can socialize?
It's not an oxymoron! And yes, I'm a hardcore introvert.
This is part 4 of 5 of a series called “Why Relationships Matter.”
In case you missed it, here’s part 1, 2, and 3.
It's like my hidden secret when I'm out and about.
No one knows that after 5 hours of meeting and greeting people I'm going to feel like a zombie for the next day. Or that it took me about 3 years of practice in order to learn how to begin and engage in an enjoyable conversational experience.
It makes me feel like I hacked the system because I also used to be in the same boat of socially awkward introverts.
In my high school days, I used to hate presentations for class. I remember dreading that feeling when all eyes are on you, watching every movement you make, and hoping that you don't do something stupid or have food stuck between your teeth.
I tried my best to avoid all unnecessary social interaction. Family gatherings were stressful; the formality of greeting aunties and uncles was something I'd happily do without.
Talking to strangers was a big no-no.
Asking for directions or even calling for a waiter made me anxious.
And talking to girls that I didn't already know was a psychological nightmare.
Getting over my insecurity was the first step (I share about my journey here), and then reading How to Win Friends and Influence People (free online copy) gave me a basic framework for social interaction and tools to use in conversation.
After about a year of trial and error, I concluded that the most effective approach was not a set/sequence of questions or lines, but a disposition of curiosity.
It's the same attitude you'd carry when you catch up with an old friend. None of the dialogue is scripted or prepared, but because you are curious about what has happened since the last time you've talked, you naturally ask questions and take the time to discover the story.
I'll talk to our janitor, the banker setting up my account, seat-mates on an airplane, Uber drivers, bus drivers, taxi drivers, and shuttle drivers. The goal of most of my conversations with strangers is to discover:
How they ended up where they are -- Where did it begin? Did they plan for this? Did they stumble upon this? Is it all leading to something?
Do they enjoy where they are at? If yes, what about it is enjoyable to them? If not, what would they rather be doing?
Of course, each person I meet is unique, so if curiosity drives the conversation, it'll often deviate from the initial goal that I have.
One time, I was on a plane from San Diego to San Jose and I spoke with an Indian man who was a father and engineer based in SD who was about to move to San Jose. He grew up in Ethiopia in a gated community and grew up at a private school. Most of his friends' parents were wealthy business owners and most of his friends ended up inheriting the business.
I asked him about child-raising and how there's a tendency for a family's wealth to be gone by the 3rd generation. He confirmed it with his frustration that his children and friends' children were all spoiled and don't have much interest in the family business. We talked the entire flight.
Another time, I was donating blood and I asked my phlebotomist if she planned to be a phlebotomist since day 1.
She laughed and told me she needed a switch after being a drug abuse counselor in the Tenderloin for 10 years. I asked her, "Who are the most impressionable people you interacted with during that time?"
She told me about an 18-year-old prostitute who was HIV positive but genuinely didn't know it was transmittable even through anal sex (she had slept with hundreds of men, most of whom were married).
She told me about an innocent-looking kindergarten teacher who was addicted to coke and heroin and had asked, "How long will this session take? I need to get back to teach."
She told me about a prostitute who had 5 children and charged $5 to her clients... for the whole 9-yards. And as a drug abuse counselor, her first goal was to build up this lady's self esteem so she could feel o-k about charging more.
The thing I've realized over the years is that people are very interesting. And if I take the time to discover peoples' stories, more often than not, my mind is blown by the depth of the human experience.
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How to Win Friends and Influence People, as mentioned above is the first resource I always recommend, but I would say The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane did a very good job of building on that foundation for me.
I did a short review of it here along with a link to pretty thorough summary of the book here: Brandon Lee's answer to What can I do within a month to become more charismatic? Would improv or acting classes help? Perhaps something that helps me as a speaker?
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