What are the best ways to develop self-discipline?
This is a dirty word to me, but I've
This is part 4 of 4 of a series called, “How to Work on Yourself”.
In case you missed it, here’s part 1, 2, and 3.
I hate using willpower.
I also hate working against myself.
So that certainly didn't mix well with what I understood to be "discipline," growing up -- work hard against my desires and do the "right" thing even if I didn't feel like it.
To me, discipline has nothing to do with "trying harder" but moreso to do with defining what is important and having a vision of what I'm avoiding and shooting for.
I'll walk you through some examples in my own life:
Diet/Exercise
I've been an athlete all my life and I love the feeling of being able to push my body to go on for hours without cramping up.
As a teenager, I used to play pickup sports with family friends who were in their 20s and even in their 50s. What stands out in my memory were all the times I heard "Oh man, I'm so out of shape" and "I can't keep up with these young guns."
I remember thinking "Ha, I'll never be like that," but life has its own way of straightening young cocky guys out.
After college, I unwittingly went for a couple years without any consistent exercise. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So when some friends invited me to play Ultimate Frisbee with them, I quickly found myself among the guys complaining "I'm so out of shape... I can't keep up with these young guns."
The tables had turned. I was out of breath within the first 20 minutes and wondered how I went out of shape just like that. I resolved to not fall into that again.
And meanwhile, during my nonprofit days, I frequently spent hours helping people with back problems, knee problems, neuropathy, and diabetes, usually because they were overweight/obese. So in conjunction to my experiences growing up as an athlete and feeling out of shape in my early 20s, seeing the physical struggle of those with weight issues helped paint a clear picture of what I wanted to pursue and what I wanted to avoid.
I eat healthy and exercise regularly because I want to lead a long and healthy life free of major health issues. Being injured isn't fun, having low energy because of a poor diet isn't appealing, and recovering from sickness isn't a preferred use of my time.
This, to me, is not about discipline at all, but having a clear vision.
Money Habits
My immediate career goal is to build a real estate portfolio that will net me $10,000/month in passive income within the next 5 years.
Why? Because having $10,000/month is "fuck-you money." Not only that, it's quite enough to be able to fund almost any of my future interests/ventures.
To be clear, real estate isn't what drives me, the freedom and having options is my real pursuit.
I hear about people facing their midlife crisis, people stuck with jobs they hate, bosses they despise, living lives they don't enjoy, and regretting that they didn't take more risks.
I've met countless people who want to find themselves again or reinvent their career, but are hesitant because of family obligations.
I've worked with clients that are at their wit's end, living hand to mouth, trying to climb out of debt, and constantly putting out fires.
And the 3 years I spent working with nonprofits I mostly survived month-to-month on donations, sometimes wondering if I had enough gas to get to meetings.
I've seen through other people's lives and a glimpse in my own life that:
Financial difficulty erodes one's mental, emotional, and physical health
Being restricted to active income can be its own form of prison and
On average, being broke sucks
Yeah. Doesn't sound enticing at all.
Because of these things, I don't feel like I'm a "disciplined" person to reinvest the majority of my discretionary income back into my real estate ventures, in myself (books, classes, courses), and in meaningful relationships (retreats, masterminds, meetups, coaching, mentoring). It simply makes sense given my trajectory.
Romance
I remember the day that my mom got the email from my dad that he wanted a divorce. My mom had always been the strongest woman I knew, but on that day, she was broken and in shock. I decided that 1) no one should go through that kind of trauma and 2) if I can avoid inflicting or receiving this kind of hurt/pain, it'd be worth learning how.
Throughout my teenage years, I watched countless peers "fall in love" and "fall out of love" with the same person in a matter of weeks. In my 20s, I met many who went through divorce(s) -- some were more bitter than others -- and I remember listening intently to their stories to find common threads. These ideas helped me identify red flags and pitfalls for reference in the future.
Over the years I've befriended couples who have been married for decades and picked their brains about what they believed to be the integral factors that helped their marriage last and thrive.
Some of the them gave me advice about how to prepare myself as a single man, and some recommended helpful books (The 5 Love Languages, Love & Respect, and Boundaries). These experiences helped me construct an idea of what thriving relationships could look like.
Despite being a single male in my 20s, I feel no need to try to "pick up" women or sleep around. I also don't feel like my happiness or sense of worth is contingent being with a Significant Other; I'm perfectly content being single.
I understand that being in a relationship has its upsides, but I've also seen how being in a bad relationship can take a huge toll. Choosing well and finding a good fit is important to me, so my standards are high. While I don't believe in "the one," I also don't believe dating needs to be a numbers game. I have a patient, optimistic outlook on this.
Again, this doesn't feel like an effort for me to do, I simply know what I want and what I don't want.
If you never define what's important for yourself, you'll settle for whatever comes your way, and then complain and blame everyone but yourself when it isn't what you expected.
If you believe that a fulfilling life, career, or relationship is something you stumble into as opposed to something you intentionally build and invest in, then yes, "discipline" will be about trying harder.
Maybe this is extreme, but all my examples were things I believe will still be meaningful to me 50 years from now. Having my health, being able to pursue a world of options in my old age, and having happy and thriving relationships sound like worthy pursuits.
But that's just me.
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