Why does everybody seem to be doing better than me?
I remember struggling with this throughout most of my 20s -- a question from Quora
This is part 1 of 4 of a series called, “How to Work on Yourself”.
The more time you spending comparing and feeling bad about yourself and wallowing in a downward spiral of “I’m not good enough,” the less time you are focusing on you, what is important to you, why it’s important to you, how you can get there, and what next steps you can take.
I dropped out of school. All my friends were working on finishing their degree. I felt stupid. I got no praises for this move. But I knew I was happier doing something meaningful to me over doing something my parents care about far more about than I do.
I drove a ’92 Corolla for years. It got me from point A to point B. Sometimes I felt like a nobody because of it. But then I learned to enjoy the 36 MPG it had and the low maintenance costs. I realized the cost of having a nice image wasn’t quite as important to me as efficiency and frugality.
I was single until I was 25. Was in a relationship for a year and then went single again. I am glad I have not been in a string of brutally painful relationships. I am glad to be on good terms with my ex, she is a cool person! I am glad I spent my single years building close friendships. I am glad I read relationship books like 5 Love Languages, Boundaries, and Love and Respect because they helped me approach the relationship I had flow so much more smoothly. Also, at the current stage of my life, I am very caught up in the work I’m doing to the point where I think I would not be a great significant other.
I had no marketable talents (being able to solve a Rubik's cube in a minute doesn’t compensate well, neither do the survival skills I learned in Boy Scouts). But then I learned social skills while I was working with communities and homeless people. And then I went into real estate and learned sales and negotiation. I got inspired by James Altucher’s writing a couple years ago and began writing on Quora, eventually becoming a Top Writer. I got bored for a stint and then I took 8 months of improv classes. I guess I have a few skills now. Ask me in two years, I think I’ll have picked up a few more skills.
I used to have the social fluency of a cucumber. Talking to girls I didn't already know was a psychological nightmare. Talking to strangers was nerve wracking. I used to go home, game for hours, and then complain that I felt lonely. Over the years, I learned the unspoken social rules by reading How to Win Friends and Influence People. And then, I started doing activities I enjoyed and tried new things (I wrote about this in-depth here).
I’ve never made 6-figures. I bet you make more money than I do. And I have no problem with that! For me, money is a tool. A tool to build things I care about. I am building something I care about. I know many people who make lots of money but have little meaning in their life — that doesn’t resonate to me. Money isn’t everything. It’s a tool that only goes as far as the person who uses the tool.
I think you might be oversimplifying your comparisons:
If they make money, are they also fulfilled? Or are you simply judging the nice things they recently bought?
If they have multiple talents, do you believe that you’ll never have multiple talents yourself?
If they are in a relationship, is it with someone who is a good fit? Or are you judging by a couple photos on social media?
If they are more socially active, do you believe that you’ll never learn to be social?
You said it “seems” they have a better job, what does that even mean? Cause it’s a better-sounding title at a more well-known company?
I think I have the best job because I run my own company doing something meaningful and makes an impact that I care about. I wake up whenever I want, I make my own schedule, but the money is not impressive.
I’d rather do this than make $150k/year working for an investment bank or a company whose values, integrity, and leadership is questionable, a team that doesn’t trust me, little autonomy to try new things, and no room for growth. But, to each their own. What do you think is important?
I used to compare a lot.
And then I realized that everyone has their own reasons for doing things.
The clearer reasons you have for your own decisions, the less you’ll compare the surface level things, the more comfortable you be without yourself, and the more content you will be — and that my friend, would be something many people look for but never find.
I used to compare a lot.
And then I realized that I can learn and grow. I can improve.
The “me” of yesterday is not forever the “me” of tomorrow, and the only person who has the power to dictate that is — you guessed it — me.
As such with yourself. You can either believe that you are trapped by your history or you can take steps to grow, learn, improve, and be a better version of yourself tomorrow.
Who knows, maybe in a year, you’ll be the person you’d be jealous of right now?
I’ll let you decide whether that happens or not.
This answer was originally published on Quora and had over 12,500 views.
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