Why do I always think about the future and get depressed?
I share my thoughts with this Quoran about how I used to be in the same boat and how I got out of it.
This is part 1 of 4 of a series called “Starting From Scratch.”
It may be because you sense a lack of control for a positive future outcome -- at least this was the case for me.
I was depressed as a teen because I didn't see how my future could be much brighter than where I was at that time.
I was caught up in my past failures and past mediocrity and thought, "I'll never amount to something," and "I'll never be successful... might as well give up now."
I was focused on everything I wasn't instead of how I could incrementally develop skills and mastery. I was focused on trying to "win" the game instead of first taking the time to understand the invisible rules that were at play.
And on top of that, I got my sense of worth from my accomplishments (or lack thereof), so I was also crippled into inaction by my low self-esteem ("I'm a nobody, no one will miss me if I die, I don't have any influence, I'm not important to anyone").
It was really in the areas of career and romance that seemed like a lost cause for me, so "figuring out" those two areas of my life out had the most significant impact on how I perceived my future outlook as a whole.
Career
I was conditioned my entire life to believe that that getting a degree was a prerequisite to getting a well-paying job.
The idea of pursuing a job I enjoyed was never an option.
The idea of creating a company was something reserved for other, much smarter and capable people, but not me.
The idea of working for myself never crossed my mind.
I had this grand misconception that all businesses were perfectly run and I was just a humble cog in the machine and it was a privilege for me to have work. This is entirely false. Every company needs A-players, and A-players are hard to find.
Businesses are run by normal people, they face challenges everyday, and they will happily hire someone who can reliably solve their problems and/or increase their market share.
I became excited about my future career and the plethora of options I had when I understood the "levers" that made organizations tick.
I don't need a degree if I can successfully demonstrate skills that are in need.
I can negotiate and ask for a raise if I take more responsibility and add more value to an organization.
I can leave and work somewhere else if I'm not being compensated for the value I bring.
Over the years, I've become more and more excited about my career ahead of me as I gained more understanding about the game that was being played around me.
Romance
When I entered my teenage years, everyone was all of a sudden getting into relationships and there seemed to be a tacit understanding that if you didn't have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you were some kind of unwanted loser.
And the unspoken rule seemed to be that even if you had a boyfriend/girlfriend, it wasn't impressive unless they were good looking, were popular, or were athletic or smart (rich/successful was the adult version).
Being that I wasn't one "gifted" with those qualities, I felt like I had to do something drastic in order to "win" a girl out of my league in order to get the stamp of social approval
In the midst of all these dynamics, it didn't take me long to notice another trend -- the vast majority of these relationships ended within 2 months, and even as a 14 year old, I didn't quite see the logic in spending money (or, my parents' money) on flowers, chocolate, going on dates, and celebrating week-by-week anniversaries only see the relationship end after a few months.
By the time I was in my 20s, I had seen marriages fall apart, I listened to men rave that their girlfriends/wives were crazy, I watched arguments unfold between couples, and actually heard men aggressively telling their younger, single guy friends to stay single as long as possible.
I decided there were 2 options at that point.
Either everyone is doing it wrong, or I'm going to be single for the rest of my life, because there's no way I'm opting in for that kind of stress and emotional trauma if I can help it.
So I stopped listening to the advice of unhappy couples and kept my eyes peeled for the ones who were thriving and happy.
I started reading books on relationships, like:
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
I started asking intentional questions to married couples that I respected. I asked them what factors were essential to their relationships, what misconceptions they had, how their relationship changed over the years, what they would recommend to someone in my position to prepare for the future, etc.
All that to say, those things gave me a healthier idea of how relationships could work and a healthier perspective about how to approach romance. I began to see the trends there were more important in a healthy long term relationship that were completely contrary to the picture of romance that was painted for me as a teen.
Being good looking enough to be a model doesn't matter if each of you have conflicting values and conflicting world-views and are unwilling to meet in the middle.
Being rich and successful doesn't matter if you are unwilling to be vulnerable and are afraid ask for help.
Being famous, well-known, or well-respected is awesome, but it has nothing to do with being able to communicate your needs, hear your partner's needs, and be able to give and take.
Being charismatic or a natural leader is great, but not being able to trust or give the benefit of the doubt to your partner can be the beginning of a slippery slope.
Because of principles like these that I learned, I fret less and less about "getting married" and get more and more excited about finding my "partner in crime" -- someone I trust, someone with similar values and ambitions, someone that brings the best out of me, someone that is patient with me, someone I can laugh with, someone who will click with my inner circle of friends, etc.
Those qualities, I believe, are more important if I'm looking to grow old with the woman I marry. Rich/successful, good looking, popular, high IQ, and prestigious credentials aren't even on the list.
It's much more encouraging to think about someone who is relationally compatible as opposed to thinking about how we can "get" the richest/hottest person to be our Significant Other.
It's very normal to feel unequipped and unprepared to face life.
Not having the answers is where we all begin, but it's possible to learn, bit by bit, piece by piece to put the puzzle together to see the big picture.
You are not the only one on the planet that has ever faced the challenge called "life." So learn from those who have done well before you -- they can help take the blinders off your eyes, bring clarity to the path you are walking on, and point out misconceptions that are holding you back.
For more of my writing about 'learning from those who have gone before you,' see here:
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