Retired Hero

a poem of reflection

Nov 03, 2024

This is a bit of a strange post for me.

Some of you have known me for a long time.
Some of you I have only recently met.
Some of you we've only known each other in digital spaces.

But in truth, I've always felt like there was a gap in what people know about me -- even close friends -- and how I actually feel internally.

I've felt this way for a very long time.

Doing 2 years of full time ministry with my friends Ryan and Dennis forever altered my life and worldview in innumerable ways.

It aged me in a sort of way.

Of course, not so much in the physical sense.
I feel worn out on a 'soul' level, if that makes any sense.

I don't necessarily need or want to unsee what I've seen or undo what I've done, but the circumstances that led to this piece of writing has led to a deep nostalgia for what has been and what now feels like a grand arrival in understanding how it has irrevocably shaped me.

Even for the people who know me well, it's likely you've never understood this part of me,mostly because I never had the language to share, until now.

So in some ways, this is a reintroduction...

Nice to you meet you!

Let me share with you a little about who I am:

I've lived what my younger self could only dream or read about.
I've lived in pursuit of purpose and alignment, rather than clout.

I've been unjustly accused and punished.
I've been immensely privileged, given unmerited favor.
I've been communally acknowledged, profusely thanked.
I've been looked over, unrecognized in my hidden labor.

I've had mentors and mentees disappoint me.
I've disappointed mentors, mentees, friends, and family.

I've defied, questioned, and swayed authority.
I've feared, acquiesced, blindly obeyed authority.

I've left systems and thrived. I've fought systems and lost.
I've circumvented systems, and I've gotten caught.

I've followed feelings, chemistry, and the rush.
I've given away my heart, and had it crushed.

I've unleashed blind rage, expressed tender care, extended unconditional grace.
I've been gaslit, unfairly judged, projected on, my life threatened, to my face.

I've experienced romantic bliss, camaraderie, brotherhood,
spiritual connection and unconditional love.
I've experienced grief, beauty, redemption, transcendence,
and despair. Sometimes all at once.

I've experienced the supernatural, the paranormal,
the miraculous, and believed.
I've experienced genuine care, unconditional kindness,
unmerited support, and doubted.

I've doubted my own capacity, bought lies about my worth and individual power.
I've learned to trust myself, and now sold on humanity's collective power.

I've experienced mental and physical breaking points, soul-level exhaustion.
I've experienced existential peace, cathartic equanimity, and spiritual rejuvenation.

I've been freed from countless boxes and sought to jail my emotions.
I've strived to live with deliberate intention, after going through all the motions.

I've worked through trauma, triggers, temptations, and tears.
I've surpassed my loftiest dreams and survived my greatest fears.

I've humbled the arrogant
and have been humbled by my own arrogance.

I've hated my habits, lack of discipline, social immaturity,
but learned to love and accept myself unconditionally.

I've questioned my existence, ran away from it, but then learned to cherish it.
I've given up on life, given it to others, and have relished its gifts.

I've given away time, affection, emotion, wisdom, hindsight, and due respect.
I've lost friends to wild chance, sickness, accidents, self harm, and neglect.

I've wandered into effortless, magical 5 hour conversations.
I've been ambushed with anxiety-inducing criminal interrogation.

I've lived hand to mouth, eyeing food in the garbage can.
I've lived without financial worry, giving away as much as I can.

I've been hopelessly lost, in every which way.
I've felt deep clarity that guides me to this day.

I've been convinced I was right, only to be wrong.
I've been convinced I was wrong, only to be surprisingly right.

I've trusted too much, and too little.
I've trusted too soon, and too late.

I've tripped, blacked out, and been too high.
I've been numb, depressed, distraught, bottling up a needed cry.

I've slain demons, for myself and for others.
I've committed cultural suicide and thrived.

I've overcome doubters, including my own.
I've transformed, inspired, and saved lives.

I've seen cripples, walk. The deaf, hear.
I've seen kindness and curiosity heal.

I've been thrown under the bus, cheated and lied to, betrayed and dropped.
I've sacrificed myself, taken the fall, mindlessly kept going when I should have stopped.

I've been taken advantage of but learned to protect the naive.
I've manipulated the big and powerful to fend for those in need.

I've helped the rich, better understand the poor.
I've helped the poor, better understand the rich.

I've sunken hopes, dreams, ideals, companies, and relationships.
I've righted wrongs, attitudes, mindsets, and sinking ships.

I've dropped out of school and classes.
And despite that, my writing has moved the masses.

I've proactively mentored tens.
I've accidentally inspired millions.

I've consciously worked to reconcile with my parents, finally.
I've stumbled into soul brothers and sisters, happenstancially.

I've eulogized, officiated, and been baptized (twice).
I've composed, recited, and improvised my entire adult life.

I've architected cultures, started fads and movements.
I've mediated for couples, cofounders, parents and children.

I've been chewed out, bitten my tongue.
I've lied through my teeth, spoken truth that's stung.

I've been desperately lonely with no one to call
I've been profusely abundant with friends who'd pick up a 3am call.

I've been scammed and won lotteries.
I've lent, borrowed, and lost plenty of money.

I've belittled, humiliated others, and have been uncouth.
I've pierced complacent hearts with spiritual truth.

I've been courageously vulnerable and fearfully cagey.
I've felt expansive compersion and consuming jealousy.

I've been semi-famous, been on TV.
I've been old news, and a nobody.

I've leapt from high cliffs, physical and relational.
I've stuck tough landings, interpersonal and professional.

I've been invisible, looked down on, looked past, declined, and rejected.
I've MC'ed, carried, solo'ed, led, keynoted, and been hand-selected.

I've been a hopeless and jaded pessimist.
I've become a hopeful and realistic optimist.

I've deliberately created teams, visions, orgs, communities from scratch.
I've seen most of them implode, backfire, devolve, fade, or collapse.

I've bet the farm and been wrong.
I've bet the farm and been right.

I've abandoned all logic in favor of emotion.
I've abandoned both in favor of intuition.
Harmonizing all three seems to be the next evolution.

I've experienced more than I had ever dreamed.
Life's nooks and crannies, hidden seams.
But I haven't seen it all.
But I have seen enough.

To have seen the best in humanity and the worst.
To have lost faith in humanity and then found it.

I've seen enough to feel full and complete with life, enough to feel content.
Enough to not need to squeeze or milk or pursue life as if I were in deficit.

I've slain giants, but no longer crave to fight.
I have no more will to chase every adventure in sight.

My hands are calloused by steel. But now long for something soft.
My legs are used to standing, but now I'd like to sit.

I just want to rest. I just want ease.
I've done enough, no one left to please.

I have no need for fame. I have no need to win.
The battles I've fought, have worn my soul thin.

I've lived a full life, despite my age.
Now I live more slowly, attuned and awake.

Until there's a worthy calling to awake my old self.
I'll leave my sword and shield on that rusty old shelf.

Context

I wrote the above after I had attended a training/intensive called “Shadowplay.”

Specifically, it was the result of one exercise called “Jekyll and Hyde.”

In this exercise, we were asked to embody two versions of ourselves in front of the whole group.

One version was supposed to be a version that we felt very comfortable/familiar in (Jekyll)
The other was supposed to be one that felt foreign/new/edgy for us (Hyde)

When it was my turn, I stood, walked up to the front of the room, all eyes on me, and I embodied the “Jekyll” state.

I stood, feet shoulder length apart, arms in my pant pockets, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and then just stood there, in silence.

As part of the exercise, everyone in the group would start shouting out their perceptions of me as I embodied that state.

A facilitator would write the words and phrases down.

After ~5 minutes, I transitioned into the “Hyde” state and the audience would do the same, shouting out what they saw/observed, and the facilitator would scribe.

Here’s a photo of what was written:

You might recognize one of the phrases in the Jekyll section.

The moment I heard someone from the audience utter, “retired hero”, something in me broke.

It was like someone singing the perfect frequency and volume that broke the wine glass.

It stuck with me for days.

I felt so “got” by a total stranger who looked at me for just a few minutes.

After the workshop, I journaled about all the pieces of my life that seemed to make up that wine glass shape of “retired hero.” The above poem was the result.

It was like I finally had words to describe a very complex state that I had embodied for years, but never quite had the words to articulate or felt permission to explore.

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

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When’s the next post coming out? I no longer have a regular cadence of publishing, but when I publish, it’ll always be on Sunday afternoons at 12pm Pacific (3pm Eastern, 3am Singapore, 8pm UK).