How do I take a step back and discover what my true personality or opinions are?
"I tend to mirror people’s personalities and energy more than my own." (Quora question)
Either or both of the following:
1a.) Spend a lot of time with people you don’t know.
1b.) Spend a lot of time with people who unconditionally support your discovery of yourself
After you do either or both of the above:
2.) Spend time reflecting about how you showed up, how others showed up, and use those reflections to make decisions about how you want to change in future interactions/conversations
And lastly:
3.) Do this over and over and over again until you feel generally settled into who you want to be, how you want to show up.
How I know this works:
Because that used to be me.
I just showed up how I thought others expected me to show up.
I said what I thought was socially palatable to say. I took few contrarian opinions in fear of how people would react. I took few social risks in fear of the backlash.
And then I graduated from high school.
Some people use that transition period to “reset” who they are.
I did that.
Being around people who didn’t know me, and therefore, had no expectations gave me a sense of freedom to share what I really thought and act how I really wanted to act.
That allowed me to “try on” different versions of myself that I’d previously hide.
I just kept “trying on” different things, reflecting about it after until I found a version of showing up that I liked, was content with, and enjoyed.
Eventually, there were fewer and fewer things I wanted to try as I got settled into a personal sense of who I wanted to be and how I wanted to show up.
Example:
When I was 19, I joined an MLM (multilevel marketing) scheme and called a bunch of high school friends to sign up.
Immediately after, I felt sleazy. I felt like I committed a social violation.
What was it? I wondered afterward.
Oooh I don’t want to make greater withdrawals in relationships than I have made deposits in. That made sense to me.
I didn’t want people to consider it weird or out of place when I made asks. I wanted them to feel more than happy to support me in whatever way.
So I took off the “sleazy” hat and I “tried on” the “giving” hat. In every interaction after that moment, I strove to contribute to someone else’s life first long before I made any asks.
The result? Could not be happier.
People gravitated towards me. I had more friends, people liked hearing from me. People felt good when I was around them, and eventually I met people who were like me, givers first — these became my closest friends.
I just did this process of “trying on” different hats until I found one I liked and stuck with it.
This journey of trying on hats took me about 3 years to get to a point where I felt holistically very grounded in who I wanted to be, how I treated people, and how I communicated.
I still do this now, but it just happens a lot less frequently than before.
Hope you find this helpful :)
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