How do I stop defining my worth based on my looks when I live in a world where everyone is obsessed with it?
This was my answer to a woman on Quora who was mired in the belief that it was impossible to find a significant other if she wasn't incredibly physically attractive.
Maybe I can offer some insight by answering a similar thing I've had to wrestle with as a male:
"How do I stop defining my worth based on how much money I make, the car I drive, the job I have, whether I have a girlfriend, or how many women I've slept with?"
The underlying issue is the same. Almost everyone around me subscribed to that perspective, so in that social pressure, how do you get over not "measuring up"?
This is part of the process of maturing as an adult and becoming an independent person. It's about learning to think for yourself, and defining who you are, what you stand for, and what is important to you. Most people take decades to learn how to do this. And I'll teach you how for just 5 payments of $19.97.
Just kidding :)
Experiencing the short end of the stick gave me a lot of perspective. I remember processing these ideas as a teen and thinking:
Do I really believe someone is less important, less valuable, deserving of less attention simply because of their bank account? Sure. Everyone thinks that.
Wait. But that means I'm worthless cause I'm pretty much broke.
Does being broke make me less valuable? Uhh. No. I'm still a person.
Just because other people don't think so doesn't make it true. I still have value.
Ok. Then money can't be the basis of how I see and treat people.
I wouldn't like it if someone looked down on me cause of my bank account, so I'm not going to look down on anyone else either because of that.
And that was the beginning of me disassociating my self-worth from the opinions of other people.
People put too much stock in things that don't matter.
I took out all my stock on being buff, going to Ivy League schools, working at Google, driving a nice car, having a hot girlfriend, being "popular," winning prestigious awards and I put my stock in kindness, generosity, humility, confidence, growth mindset, integrity, giving back and living purposefully.
You have a nice car? You're ripped? You have a great job and hot girlfriend?
Mm. Ok. That's cool. Nothing wrong with that.
But what kind of person are you? Do you treat servers/waitresses like crap? Do you talk trash behind people's back? Are you quick to judge and never give people a second chance? Do you dismiss constructive feedback? Do you disparage people you don't understand? Do you mock people different than you? Do you flake on all your commitments? Are you considerate of others? Do you have the vocabulary of a sailor? Are you self aware and willing to push your comfort zone?
Having "everything" but being a dick doesn't win you any points in my book.
Having "nothing" but still being a reputable, kind, integrous, generous, confident, and humble would be far more impressive to me.
This would apply to anyone I meet in business, life, or romance.
So, dear Anon, you say:
Beautiful women with toned bodies are superior; they're a different breed of human. I can't be with a man cause of how they look at beautiful women. They long for them but can't get them so go for me (with disgusting boobs) How can anyone love me when there's so many amazing women? Are they settling?
You have decided to go along with the popular opinion which solely bases beauty on physical appearance.
I urge you to create your own definition.
In my eyes, a good looking girl is... that's it. Just a girl with a great body. So what? That doesn't qualify her, at least in my book, as "beautiful."
To me, a beautiful girl has confidence, poise, a kind, genuine smile, she cares about people, she treats everyone with the same respect, she can hold her own, not be insecure, she can be fun and serious, philosophical and intellectual, she is self aware and articulate, has her own opinion yet open to new ideas. She has drive and ambition, she's a learner and a teacher. She can effortlessly relate to a child and an 80 year old.
I could go on.
Please realize, there are men out there who care more what's on the inside than the outside.
They probably aren't hanging out at the bars, I'll tell you that much.
Please don't put all your stock in physical appearance. If you fast forward a couple decades, you'll be comparing yourself to 18 year olds with flawless bodies and you'll be even more frustrated. Fast forward a couple more decades and those 18 year olds will be old news and you'll still be jealous of the next wave of 18 year olds. Do you see how unsustainable and destructive that mindset is?
But, who you are on the inside will only get more beautiful as time goes on. So your goal is to meet a guys who has the eyes to see that. A guy who has the eyes to look beyond your dress size, bra size, whatever, to see the amazing woman inside.
There are guys out there like that, trust me.
I would know, cause I'm one of them.
:)
If you'd like to read more about not evaluating romantic partners solely by their physical appearance, you might like my answer here:
This answer was originally published on Quora and had over 5,000 views.
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