Has any Asian person been able to get away from the guilt and shame of disappointing their family of origin?
Very niche cultural question, but the lessons can be broadly applied! Question from Quora
This is part 1 of 4 of a series called, “Live Outside the Box.”
The first time I got a C in school, I braced for impact.
I walked on eggshells for a whole week just waiting for my parents to bring it up and prepared for the coming beratement. I remember being yelled at soon after and hating -- even moreso -- anything to do with Writing/Literature/English (being a Top Writer on Quora is the ultimate irony for me).
My SAT score was in the 1700s, well below the average of my peers, most of whom scored between 2100-2400 and ended up at institutions like UC Berkeley, UCLA, and UCSD (including my brother and sister) -- I ended up going to community college.
The guilt and shame of not only letting down my parents, but my extended family and all the "uncles" and "aunties" who were family friends is a feeling I remember well, but here's what I have to say:
At the end of the day, you have to decide what value system you live by.
According to my Asian parents, their value system dictates that going to a good school is of utmost importance. Going to a good school means getting a good, steady, well-paying job, and getting that job would be considered "success."
Well, that's not enough for me.
I'm not content with just a "good" job. I read that over 90% of people frustrated, dissatisfied, and unfulfilled in their careers and knew, even as a teenager, that I didn't want to be part of the statistic. So when discovered what factors needed to be in place in order for me to love the work that I do, I optimized for that, saw that going to college didn't fit into that box, so I left.
I dropped out, and of course, my parents were disappointed. I knew I committed a certain level of cultural suicide, but for me, being able to wake up excited about work that I cared about mattered more than sucking it up and doing what everyone else expected me to do. The way I got away from the guilt and shame was simply understanding that, by nature, having a different value system will lead you on a different path.
I was consciously aware of the fact that I was going against everything my parents stood for. In their eyes, I was walking away from the golden ticket to "success." But my definition of success was different, so it naturally led me on a different journey. Being o-k with seeing things differently (as opposed to seeing it as black and white, right and wrong) helped me walk it out without feeling like I was dishonoring or disregarding my heritage.
During the first 3-4 years after I dropped out of college, I constantly lived hand-to-mouth, but loved what I did and embarked on an epic journey of self-discovery and learning.
While all my peers were studying in school, I was working with non-profits, traveling, and speaking. While my peers were grinding in classrooms and churning out homework, I was stretching and learning, exposed myself to countless different walks of life, got out of my Silicon Valley bubble, became so much more aware of the world at large, and became much more self-aware.
To me, that trade-off was worth it, I have no regrets. But maybe not for you, and definitely not in the eyes of my parents. Doesn't matter.
I chose the value system I wanted to live by.
The way I see it, this principle stands true even outside of Asian culture.
According to pop culture, what's portrayed by the media, and the vast majority of how young adult males think, I should be making lots of money, driving a nice car, be working out, be able to handle my liquor, and have a hot girlfriend. According to that value system, these are subtle status markers that dictate my "rank" in society and how much respect and admiration I am able to garner.
Well, that doesn't do it for me.
I'm not optimizing my life for how much people respect and admire me; I'm not trying to be the "big man" on campus; I don't place my self-worth in the outcome of an unspoken popularity contest. Therefore, I'm not spending my energy and effort accruing status markers in an attempt to one-up people around me.
My value system says:
Money is a tool, not a status marker
Cars are vehicles to get me from A to B, I don't need to splurge on it
I work out for health and fitness, not for show
I'm all for drinking to get loose, unwind, relax, and have some fun, not to get slammed drunk and spend a whole day recovering and regretting my decision
A significant other isn't a status marker, it's a person I want to share my life and experiences with and "hot" isn't the most important quality on the list
A different value system leads to a different walk.
You have to choose which value system you live by.
If you don't form your own value system, you will continue to adopt everyone else's, constantly feel like you're not "measuring up," and you'll continue to feel a sense of guilt or shame for not being "good enough" in their eyes.
These are terrible motivators and will eat away your mental energy and focus and steal your zest for life.
But... now it's your turn.
What value system will you live by?
This answer was originally published on Quora and had over 12,400 views.
I have 500+ answers on Quora and will be curating, IMO, the best answers I’ve written here for your convenience. All my Quora reposts will have this section for transparency and context, original content will not have this section.
After 10+ years of blogging all over the internets, I’m currently working on a book! If you resonate with my writing, you can sign up to get my book updates here.
When’s the next post coming out? I publish weekly on Sundays at 12pm Pacific (3pm Eastern, 3am Singapore, 8pm UK)